Brothers of the Alphabet
by elphabah
Summary: mattmello oneshot. Matt reflects on his life when thinks no one can hear him.


**Brothers of the Alphabet**

_A is for asshole you are, B is for the sorry bastard I am for always doing what you say. _

_You know I never gave a fuck about L, not the way you did at least. You kind of worshipped him in the way a kid ties a towel around his neck and pretends he's just like Superman. Whatever M, it's cool. We were all freaks as little brats. I think Wammy's either brings out your genius or your insanity, depending on the ciricculm. But we are adults now and you are still running around the house with a towl tied around your neck, so to speak. _

_So I'm wondering, wondering how long this is gonna be before you give up? Because I can't wait forever for you, man, I can't wait forever for you to grow up._

These are things Matt always wishes he had the nerve to say to Mello's face. But then the scene plays itself out in his head and somehow he always ends up saying something stupid. Rather than commit these words to reality and risk the sound of foolish, Matt sighs and goes out to buy another box of chocolate for Mello or whatever asinine errand he has him running at the moment.

Usually Mello is the first one awake in the morning, so when Matt comes out from his bedroom he usually finds their apartment trashed, newspaper clippings tacked to the walls, the ceiling, anywhere there was once an open space is filled with crumbled notes and computer printoffs. Living with Mello is like living in a chaotic blend of man-made paranoia and schizophrenia, waiting for a monster to jump out of the closet any moment. Never knowing when he would wake up and find half the furniture destroyed or missing.

When it gets to the point that Matt can taste the acidic residue of ink in the air, he opens a window and leaves Mello to his own devices. His abscence goes unnoted and he will leave the apartment for hours, only to return and find Mello in the same place he was before.

"I'm going out for a cheeseburger, want anything?" He asks this time before he leaves because he knows Mello hasn't ate anything but Hershey's for the last four days. He's being _considerate_ of his roommate, but he's not surprised when the gesture goes unrecognized. Mello shoots him a glare and tells him to shut up and stay out of his way.

Matt walks out of the apartment. _It's not like I live for his fucking praise anyways. _But secretely he wonders if maybe he really does. Perhaps he is no different towards Mello then Mello is to the image of L.

C is for the way Matt always gets caught up in Mello's battles even when he still thinks he's standing on the sidelines.

Even as kids, whenever Mello got into a fist fight he would somehow manage to take on five or six boys by himself. Matt would always jump in, swinging hard. It was almost instinct. _Why doesn't anything ever change for us? _He hops onto his motorcycle and roars out of the parking lot, hitting the foggy streets with a squeal. _We still are the same people we were when we were ten. _

Traffic lights and closed coffee shops blur by. It is like the rest of the world is moving very fast and he is standing still. Always standing still.

When Matt pulls up to the resturaunt he orders for two, getting Mello a burger anyways. Sitting at the counter, the waitress flirts and he doesn't really notice. Eventually she gives up, casting her attention on someone more perceptive of her ploys.

Matt returns home with the burger and finds the towheaded young man crashed on the floor. A veil of hair covers his face as Matt sets the food on the counter and bends over the sleeping form. He gently rolls Mello over so Matt can peer closely at his pale calm face. He takes in ever detail of this firecracker personality, a personality that remains hidden in the passiveness his expression takes on in sleep.

D is for damnation. They were both damned from the start, playing the devil's game with thugs and killers. They were _ronin_,masterless samurai. Warriors for no other cause then their own.

Matt brushes Mello's bangs away from his forehead, he traces the scars that splinter off into his hairline. When he is awake Mello tries to hide the marks, he's self-conscious of their presence in his once flawless skin. Matt thinks they make him tough though, strong and fierce. He sometimes thinks of telling Mello this but decides against it. It was corny and Mello probably wouldn't think he was being sincere.

_"You're an okay guy, M," _he says softly aloud. _ "I'm pretty sure even if you are asshole to everyone, including me, underneath you've got a pretty good heart." _

Matt cleans off the couch and lays Mello down, draping a blanket over him. He sits down where Mello had been working, taking up the laptop and continuing where Mello had left off.

E is for everytime this takes place.

Matt speaking from his heart, Mello pretending he is asleep to hear what Matt says when he thinks no one is listening.


End file.
